Photo by Rynhardt Smith 2014
I haven’t posted in a while. I think the reason being is because in scared of the emotions. The last week or so has become very tough, the shock has definitely worn off. Everything has changed. It was my birthday last week and I had some really beautiful plans with Kolya. He had moved his trip to Asia specifically so that he could spend my birthday with me. I have no doubt in my mind that he had something special planned as he always did, he was after all the most caring thoughtful person I knew. Since then I have had to change my plans and do something different for my birthday and that’s when it really began to hit home.
Up until this point, although I’ve missed Kolya I haven’t had such uncontrollable feelings of devastation and anger as I have this past week. I feel especially alone as I feel like nobody that I see or talk to on a regular basis, actually knew Kolya and can share stories with me. I feel as though I’m constantly trying to keep his memory alive, but I can’t continue if I have no one to bounce back off. It’s great to tell people about him, however the sympathy I receive often makes me feel worse. People who didn’t know him just don’t understand what he was like and I feel like everything I describe to them just gets sucked into this black hole of nothingness and incomprehension.
When I was about 12 years old I remember my Aunty telling me that “life isn’t fair”. I think it was over something really silly but it was the first time I realised that not everything will go my way and I just have to let it go. I’ve lived with that up until now when all of a sudden I keep getting these white hot pangs of frustration and anger and a voice in my head screams “WHY HIM!?”I never thought something like this could happen to me. That a person who I cared so much about, who I connected with more than anyone else in the world, who made me feel beyond special and who always reminded me of how special I made him feel and someone who I thought would be by my side for a very long time, could just not be here anymore. It’s so surreal, so it’s no surprise it’s taken this long to hit me. I don’t want to forget, and I’m scared that letting go will mean forgetting. And I just can’t do that to Kolya, it would break my heart even more than it already does missing him.