Natalie . 20 . Melbourne
lessonsfromkolya:

Photo by Rynhardt Smith 2014

I haven’t posted in a while. I think the reason being is because in scared of the emotions. The last week or so has become very tough, the shock has definitely worn off. Everything has changed. It was my birthday last week and I had some really beautiful plans with Kolya. He had moved his trip to Asia specifically so that he could spend my birthday with me. I have no doubt in my mind that he had something special planned as he always did, he was after all the most caring thoughtful person I knew. Since then I have had to change my plans and do something different for my birthday and that’s when it really began to hit home.

Up until this point, although I’ve missed Kolya I haven’t had such uncontrollable feelings of devastation and anger as I have this past week. I feel especially alone as I feel like nobody that I see or talk to on a regular basis, actually knew Kolya and can share stories with me. I feel as though I’m constantly trying to keep his memory alive, but I can’t continue if I have no one to bounce back off. It’s great to tell people about him, however the sympathy I receive often makes me feel worse. People who didn’t know him just don’t understand what he was like and I feel like everything I describe to them just gets sucked into this black hole of nothingness and incomprehension.

When I was about 12 years old I remember my Aunty telling me that “life isn’t fair”. I think it was over something really silly but it was the first time I realised that not everything will go my way and I just have to let it go. I’ve lived with that up until now when all of a sudden I keep getting these white hot pangs of frustration and anger and a voice in my head screams “WHY HIM!?”I never thought something like this could happen to me. That a person who I cared so much about, who I connected with more than anyone else in the world, who made me feel beyond special and who always reminded me of how special I made him feel and someone who I thought would be by my side for a very long time, could just not be here anymore. It’s so surreal, so it’s no surprise it’s taken this long to hit me.  I don’t want to forget, and I’m scared that letting go will mean forgetting. And I just can’t do that to Kolya, it would break my heart even more than it already does missing him.

lessonsfromkolya:

Photo by Rynhardt Smith 2014

I haven’t posted in a while. I think the reason being is because in scared of the emotions. The last week or so has become very tough, the shock has definitely worn off. Everything has changed. It was my birthday last week and I had some really beautiful plans with Kolya. He had moved his trip to Asia specifically so that he could spend my birthday with me. I have no doubt in my mind that he had something special planned as he always did, he was after all the most caring thoughtful person I knew. Since then I have had to change my plans and do something different for my birthday and that’s when it really began to hit home.

Up until this point, although I’ve missed Kolya I haven’t had such uncontrollable feelings of devastation and anger as I have this past week. I feel especially alone as I feel like nobody that I see or talk to on a regular basis, actually knew Kolya and can share stories with me. I feel as though I’m constantly trying to keep his memory alive, but I can’t continue if I have no one to bounce back off. It’s great to tell people about him, however the sympathy I receive often makes me feel worse. People who didn’t know him just don’t understand what he was like and I feel like everything I describe to them just gets sucked into this black hole of nothingness and incomprehension.

When I was about 12 years old I remember my Aunty telling me that “life isn’t fair”. I think it was over something really silly but it was the first time I realised that not everything will go my way and I just have to let it go. I’ve lived with that up until now when all of a sudden I keep getting these white hot pangs of frustration and anger and a voice in my head screams “WHY HIM!?”I never thought something like this could happen to me. That a person who I cared so much about, who I connected with more than anyone else in the world, who made me feel beyond special and who always reminded me of how special I made him feel and someone who I thought would be by my side for a very long time, could just not be here anymore. It’s so surreal, so it’s no surprise it’s taken this long to hit me. I don’t want to forget, and I’m scared that letting go will mean forgetting. And I just can’t do that to Kolya, it would break my heart even more than it already does missing him.

lessonsfromkolya:

Rewatching Fault in Our Stars. The last time I watched the film was with a friend of mine. Kolya and I had planned to watch it together but never got around to it. I had planned to go see it again with him afterwards however this didn’t end up happening unfortunately… As I re-watch the film now, I can not even begin to explain how different the experience is for me. I see death in a completely different light which makes this movie, although sad, extra special to me. I especially love Augustus’ metaphor when he places a cigarette between his teeth but never lights it,

"It’s a metaphor, see: you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you don’t give it the power to do its killing". -Gus

Hazel’s eulogy for Augustus also was so beautiful so I thought I’d just leave it here…

My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won’t be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because like all real love stories, it will die with us. As it should. I’d hoped that he’d be eulogising me, because there is no one I’d rather have. I can’t talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this. There is an infinite between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many days of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You have me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”- Hazel 

It was a pleasure.

northnew:

undefinedarchetype:

best six second exchange i have ever seen in my life

lessonsfromkolya:

Kolya once made me watch this video and it opened my eyes. I’m studying to be a teacher and it made me really think, what will I be really teaching the people of tomorrow. Am I encouraging them to really live now or am I reproducing the same standard person that society expects? How can I influence a child in such a way, that I can encourage them to be extraordinary and live fully now? 

lessonsfromkolya:

Let’s address the elephant in the room. It sits directly in front of me, screaming from every post I’ve written but remains unmentioned. It’s name is grief. If you hadn’t gathered by now, this blog is completely dedicated to my close friend and the most influential person I’ve ever met in my life,…

lessonsfromkolya:

Biggest lesson I’ve learnt in my life that there’s no such thing as a bad situation. Despite going through something so devastating, I can not measure how much power I’ve been given to live my life stronger and with more purpose now than ever before. Win/Lose Learn

lessonsfromkolya:

Biggest lesson I’ve learnt in my life that there’s no such thing as a bad situation. Despite going through something so devastating, I can not measure how much power I’ve been given to live my life stronger and with more purpose now than ever before. Win/Lose Learn

Second Blog

I hardly use this page, so follow my second blog http://lessonsfromkolya.tumblr.com/ for more interesting and insightful posts :)

RIP Talia Joy Castellano
August 18, 1999 - July 16, 2013